My own strange addiction seems to be watching the TLC shows ‘My Strange Addiction’ and ‘Freaky Eaters’. I am one of those people who, when I find a show I like, I watch the entire series in 5 days; the aforementioned shows are no exception.

I watched a feature on a woman who is addicted to Taxidermy; this alone is no big deal, lots of people are. Personally, I’m not a fan of dead-animal-décor but some people are. This woman lived in an 800 square foot apartment and had over 50 (and growing daily) animals she’d stuffed herself. It got a little bit weird when she kept her to-be-stuffed projects in the same fridge alongside her beer and veggies. What made it a more dangerous hobby was her source. She collected dead animals from the beach, the side of the road, etc. She spends all her free time stuffing road kill. Another feature was this guy who spends all of his time scraping up road kill, in order to give them a proper burial. Perhaps the two of these people should just hook up with one another. Each one’s habit sort of feeds the other – then the only damage going on is, of course, handling the road kill. They now have a social life because well, they have found one another.

I have more similar suggestions. There’s the 20 year old college guy who is “addicted to inflatables”. Get your mind out of the gutter – I’m referring to pool toys. Really! Blow up Shamu and friends. He has a special relationship in particular with Ms. Lila the Dragon. By the time he’d seen and fallen in love with her, she had been discontinued. He managed to find one of her online and it was instant soul-mate loooove. He has something like 15 pool toys; they all sit around the dinner table with him, with plates full of food in front of them. Some just like to hang out while others like to accompany him everywhere. Dolphin for example, goes to class with him. He sleeps with Lila. She likes the top, but every now and then she lets him take the top. This guy could hook up with both Davecat – the man who is married to his blow up doll (see below) AND the man who is in a sexual relationship with Chase, his car. Sure, paraphilia is weird to the rest of us – but I say it beats other things, like pedophilia. In each of these cases, the concerns of the loved one are their social lives. They could have each other, and Chase , Lila, et.al. and live happily ever after. There’s also the guy who is attracted to balloons. He “rescues” them from the local car dealerships daily and fills a room with them. He could probably join in on this group.

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There’s the gasoline sniffer, the toilet tissue eater, the drywall eater, the clay face mask eater, the nail polish eater, the vapor rub eater, the tire eater, the cat licker – I could go on all day with these ones. The thing they all have in common is they all claim their habit is harmless. Anyone who thinks ingesting toxins –and in the massive quantities these people are consuming them – needs to go back to first grade. Or be locked in a room with a Sesame Street marathon, or something. Also, while they’re all rounded up, can we PLEASE… STERILIZE these people??! Many of them had children. The dryer sheet eater (preferred brand: Snuggle) has a daughter and a Mom who also eat TP… that little girl is a third generation foreign body eater! Let’s sterilize them all! It’s for the greater good and I fully believe that anyone who sits through 15 minutes of any one of these shows will agree with me.

The 27 year old woman who is otherwise functional is addicted to her stuffed lamb. He goes everywhere with her and she is comforted by his presence. Same for the 30-something year old and her pillow. The same old, never-washed, stinky, ratty pillow that she’s carried around since she was something like 7. Its name is Boo. Her finance asked her to choose between himself and the pillow- this was unacceptable as she loves them both equally. The young woman who eats vapor rub was given the same ultimatum by her partner and reacted the same way. As for the lamb and pillow addicts, the solution is simple. Road trip! We find them and set these things on fire!! Unless of course they take up a new addiction, because there is the woman who eats her husband’s ashes. I suppose we could take the remains with us. Then these people see a qualified therapist and face their issues in a more productive way than say, sticking your finger in an urn and coming up with a mouthful of bone and embalming fluids.

As for the blood drinker… to each her own. She is well aware that there are risks. She drinks mostly animal blood for the availability. She prefers porcine to bovine for the gaminess, however her all-time favorite is human, straight from the tap. She’s a tattoo artist and knows all too well the dangers and the risks of blood borne pathogens; it’s a risk she’s willing to take and she gets tested once in a while. If both parties involved like it that much, to each their own I guess. They do not seem to be harming the rest of us.

The butt injection addict needs to have her children taken away from her, sterilization, butt injection reversal and some basic education. She has had so far, (when aired) 54 butt injections and wanted “another 36” before she felt she’d be happy with her body. I didn’t find her attractive. She went from a perfect size 4 up to a few times that purely because of her ass- the rest remained small. The thing of it was, she was meeting up with some woman she didn’t know in random hotel rooms to get the injections and had no idea what she was being injected with. The same goes for the “obsessed with my breasts” character who, when the show aired had gone up to a 38MMM. It was a horrible sight, not attractive. She still wanted to go bigger. She nearly died from infection of whatever the hell was inside her body and still had more enlargements after this. She had to go to Brazil as no American doctor would do these procedures. The doctor there would try to sway her to quit, but still perform whatever procedure she wanted. Meanwhile I’d kill for smaller ones. They get in the way, they try to kill me in the night, they bring unwanted attention of the “ay Mami- have my babies” variety. Elective surgery is scary since basically everyone in the universe is incompetent –and of course expensive. Jeez, maybe if I sold ‘em on the black market I’d get the surgery performed for less…

Anyway… in the case of some of these people, as I have stated before, the only viable solution is mandatory sterilization. However, some of them just need to hook up with the others and problem solved.

As for that road trip, who’s in? We just need to make a pit stop in Clermont. There’s a woman, who has 21 foot long (and counting) hair she refuses to cut and it’s causing tons of health problems. Snip snip. 

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