In recent weeks, Hubby and I have made several life-altering decisions and changes. For one, we decided to move back to Kissimmee at the end of this month. It is the place that both of us feel the most ‘at home’, a place that has held our hearts for over a decade. With this came of course, the decision to give my notice to Current Employer.

 

Since I lost Dallas, I have not been myself. Hubby’s happiness has been compromised as well as he claims he cannot stand to see me like this, crying all the time and just so very sad. I’ll always be sad that Dallas isn’t here. I’ll never fully adjust to her absence. I still feel like I need to rush home to her or get up & put her shows on regularly. I’ll never be okay with her being gone –all of this I know and all of this I feel is okay to feel since she was my whole world. Particularly in the last 3+ years, while she was senile and her care was a full time job.

I accepted the position in my current job for her. So that I could bring her with me when I worked long hours, so that I had all access to the specialists who would keep her going for three extra years. This job is a big black spot on my resume, the lowest position I’ve held since beginning my high school job.

The hours are mental; you’re just expected to work until “indefinitely” rather than a pre-defined scheduled out time every single shift and never a ‘thank you’. One time, there is one time that I can remember the doctor on duty saying “thanks for hanging in there tonight, Jess.” It was only 4.5 hours past closing, I’ve stayed much longer without any acknowledgement by the doctors or management regularly. (Other than the occasional “Why did you clock out so late?” Oh um gee, because I ENJOY living here, around all of my school demands, didn’t you know? Come on now.) Of course many clients do notice it. If I had a dime every time a client said things like “gee you never leave” or “do you ever go home?” or “you have long days here, huh?” I could’ve retired at 30. It’s okay because it was all for her. But I know that she did not leave me just so that I could continue on this miserable, backwards path of anger and despair.

Living in Jacksonville has been very trying as well; we are surround by such hate, bigotry and smack in the middle of what is apparently ‘the murder capital of the world’.  As ‘Yankees’, a culture shock we never adjusted to. Even the air just smells bad. Whenever we leave town –whether for a few hours or a few days- we inevitably return saying “what is that smell?! Oh we’re back in Jax…” Three years submerged in it and we never did acclimate to it. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been touched by the murder epidemic that seems to be underway here. After just 23 months living here, the first Jacksonville friend I made was brutally murdered. There is so much crime and injustice here; it is impossible to not be impacted by it. I know people who have been fired from jobs for being gay in my short time here. Excuse me for expecting to find compassion in the veterinary field! Silly me.

 

So, we decided to return ‘home’. I wrote up my letter of resignation and handed it in. The morning I intended to bring it in, before I got to work I received a magical phone call. One that resulted in my being offered and accepting a job I’ve wanted for years.

Hubby says he has noticed a drastic change in me in the last 6 days since I gave my notice. I am noticing this in myself as well. I am crying much less. I am laughing more, and at nothing sometimes! Just those ridiculous, seemingly reason-less fits of laugher that I used to be known for. I went to a concert last night and truly enjoyed myself. I feel like things are looking up. In just a few short days, I will be done with the job I am not proud of holding and I will have earned my Bachelor’s degree.

I will then enjoy nearly two months of no work and no school while I see to moving and wait to start my amazing new job.

 

For those who stood by me during what will surely by my darkest hour, I sure do know who you are and I will never forget it as I return to ‘normal’ and work toward finding happiness again.

For those who did not stand by me during this time… well… I won’t forget that either. There is no room in my life for you if you do not love me for who I am – attitude and all – or if you failed to stick by me during a trying time. And that, my former friends and ‘family’, is your loss, not mine.

 

 

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